Changes- in the world; in life; in the mindset

Just a bit of context: I wrote this blog post a couple weeks ago and never got around to posting it because I thought it was just a big mess of complaining and negative energy. But looking at it now I have a different perspective and thought it might shed some light on how mission is really going and how the seasons of our life ebb and flow SO MUCH!

“Andy the Librarian?

So, in a recent blog post, I was explaining my schedule and what I’m getting up to around here. Welp, things have changed a bit since then and I thought I should do a little update- The main thing that has changed is this week we are starting the library back up that kind of got forgotten about when my predecessors left in early May. So instead of having exercise class MWF, we will now just be having it on Mondays and Fridays. The same time slot on Wednesdays and Saturdays will be when the library is open! 

This evening will be my first session at the library and I am very excited to start reading more and spending a different kind of time with the sisters! I had visited the library a few times back in April and kind of have a feel for the space but I can’t wait to learn more about it! I know the majority of the books are in English and probably about half of them are religious books. I love flipping through old catholic books because the church has such a wealth of information and you can always find something to read about that you never knew before. 

What am I even doing?

Always thankful for the universal church! 

Other than that things have pretty much been the same and I feel like I’m falling into a bit of a rut. The relationships that I have formed here have been meaningful to me but the work I am doing doesn’t feel very purposeful. Even though people could argue that teaching English is an important job- I don’t know what I am doing and there are so many better people for the job if that’s all that I will do here. 

Sometimes I feel like I could be here or not and it wouldn’t make much difference. I don’t think that I am having a lasting impact on this place (at least not yet) and I don’t think what I am doing is what I was called here to do. Sometimes this triggers the thought- should I just go home? Could I make more of an impact working for a nonprofit back in the states? Should I go back and try to get a ‘real job’ and start a family? 

My brain goes back and forth sometimes-  ‘Three years isn’t that long.’ ‘Three years is so long.’ ‘I was called here for a reason.’ ‘Shouldn’t I be with my family?’ ‘I am probably having an impact that I can’t see.’ ‘Am I even doing anything??’ ‘I am learning new things about this place every day.’ ‘Is it really fair of me to put Douglas through this long distance?’ I don’t know what the next few years of my life will look like. (does anyone ever?) But I do know that being here has been my dream for so long that I will not give up easily. 

Then do something about it!

When I start thinking like this my instinct is to try and ‘fix’ it. How can I have more of a lasting impact? What can I add to my schedule that will really make a difference? But thoughts like that don’t go very far here because you can’t really come up with something to improve things. Things are done the same way that they have been for generations, it’s tradition, and the last thing I want to do is come in and disrupt that. As I have stated in previous posts, though, even things like accounting is very hard to try and help with. And when I ask for more ways that I can serve- they tell me I am doing enough already. 

I don’t know what to do but I do know that God has a plan. For now, I am taking things one day at a time and doing the best I can.”

*Present Day*

Okay so that was the whole post but now I am looking at it through a whole different lens. Sometimes having a slow life is a good thing- even a great thing. 

Finding Balance

time for my puppy and I to read on the beach

The other day, someone posed a question to me- ‘why do you feel such a need to be useful?’ But in my mind, that’s why I was put here- in this place, in this time, on this earth. I think everyone has a purpose and that purpose should be useful. I suppose part of the problem is that not 100% of people can be useful 100% of the time. There is an ebb and flow to how people work and some of us are just better at ebbing and some of us are just better at flowing but balance is very important! 

Balance in everyday life was never something I struggled with- but in a season of ebbing, I feel like my life has no meaning. I am learning to work with this and be productive in other ways. Since my job here doesn’t take a lot out of me and isn’t causing me stress; I now have more time for my prayer life, scripture reading, yoga, and so many other things that in a normal work-filled life can sometimes feel like a luxury but to me have become everyday practices and just part of the routine. It is strange but I am starting to enjoy this season of ebbing more and more every day. 

I think it's so important to know where we are in life and to keep an awareness of how we are feeling about it. But I also think it's super important that we not try and control everything- (I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again but) God has a plan and He knows all the seasons of our life wayyy before we do and He will never give us more than we can handle.  

Changes?

View of the Serengeti from our bus

Will I do something with a ‘visible lasting impact’ while I’m in TZ? I don’t know- I really hope so but if that’s not the reason I was brought here maybe I won’t- maybe the only lasting impact I will have is the conversations I had with people on a daily basis. Maybe the only thing that I will personally affect change in is the way people think and view the world. Maybe the only thing someone will be able to notice after I leave this place is not in this place at all- maybe it will just be that a friend of a friend heard of my ministry and was also inspired, maybe it will only make one of my Instagram followers think deeper about how their vote in the next election impacts the whole world. Or maybe none of that will happen and the only change will be in my own heart. 

Regardless of what changes or stays the same in the world because of me being here, I know one thing for sure- this is where I am supposed to be in my life right now. 

Library time with Novitiates 

And I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea- I love what I am doing with working out with the elderly sisters and teaching the girls English and things- but what I am saying here is that when I inevitably go back home to the states- the sisters will probably stop exercising, the girls at the center will probably forget everything I taught them, and everything will go back to how it was before I got here and my impact will not be visible to the newcomers. But like I said- I am now realizing that VISIBLE impact is only a small part of what I came here to do. 

All this to say *a lesson I have learned many times over and will probably learn many times again* when we think we know what’s up and where God is taking us and why… we almost never do. His plan is always so much bigger than we can imagine. I am putting this down in words (okay- Elton John!) so that hopefully you, the reader, and future me will have an easier time with that realization. *fingers crossed*